Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
