im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There's a naked man in my car right now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
