the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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