She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
