hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize