96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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