you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
