Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize