you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
