I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
