He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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