i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
