if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
