I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
