My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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