I wish my penis had an off switch
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
