Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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