Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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