I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
