I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
