yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
The air taste purple.
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