Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
