I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
