I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Someone shattered a urinal.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize