lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
