I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
