My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize