i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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