Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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