i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
