I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
