i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
