im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
