Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Success! We fucked roommates!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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