I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
