If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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