Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
