party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
