she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just tell him i said nine months
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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