my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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