Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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