just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
