one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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