She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize