I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
