my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
