I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
