I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
