One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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