3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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