all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
