Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
