Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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