i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
