"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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