I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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