im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
4 words: hood of his car
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
