chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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