you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
