Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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