Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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