You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
