don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
