I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
