Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize