she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
