he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
