They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
